i ain't mad at 'cha

i was having a discussion with a friend recently. not an actual discussion...just a series of text messages, the whole of which constitute the average 21st century discussion. but i digress.

the topic was performance enhancing drugs and the men who love them. he was partially filled with moderate indignation that a whole generation of players could cheat the game.

i didn't care.

he said they only way they should get into the hall of fame is if they buy a ticket.

i didn't care.

he had no problem if a generation of hall of fame classes looked like this guy.

i kinda cared. but not enough.

you see, i'm burned out on cheaters and scum. i've had my fill of scandal and situations. some days the sports world feels as foreign (and dangerous) as mos eisley.

in short...my anger reservoir is dry.

baseball player busted for 'roids? yawn. football player gets caught packing heat? ho-hum. basketball player smokes two joints before he smokes two joints? whatever. let him smoke two more.

as i get older, my sports philosophy borrows from frank cushman. you remember cush; jerry maguire's quarterback prodigy who tried to remove himself from the maguire-sugar feud with one simple phrase.

"i just want to play football."

that's where i am right now. i've heard all the arguments ad nauseum. they're cheaters! they're criminals! kick 'em out, lock 'em up and let 'em rot! my response can be summed up in a pair of simple if-then questions.

a) if they are playing, then how will they help the team?

or

b) if they are not playing, then how will it hurt the team?

in short (with all apologies to jerry o'connell) i just want to watch ball.

there have always been cheaters, criminals and miscreants in professional sports and no amount of finger pointing and spotlighting bad behavior is going to prevent it in the future. it has little to do with money, talent or entitlement. some people have a knack for finding trouble. some of them just happen to run, jump, throw, hit, catch better than the rest of us. the sooner we accept it, the sooner we can all move on.

of course, if this attitude catches on, the 24-hour sports news cycle that thrives on creating, reporting and exasperating train wrecks might cannibalize itself. which most likely would put me on the bread line.

that's a scandal i'd certainly care about that.

an open letter...

to: shaquille o'neal
david stern, nba commissioner
john fahey, world anti-doping agency, commissioner
assorted physicians
parents of impressionable young athletes

to all concerned parties,

recently, the issue of steroids has gripped american sports like at no other time. with stories of performance enhancing drugs running rampant through major league baseball clubhouses. myriad positive drug tests revealed in cycling. rumor and innuendo about muscled-up supermen running about the nfl. the constant raised eyebrow at the feats of some olympic athletes. all of these things have conspired to taint the highest levels of athletics in this country as well as globally.

mr. stern, i am aware that while your league has historically dealt with several drug problems (the cocaine scandal of the '80s, the continuing issue of marijuana use), you remain unstained by the specter of steroids

but i am here today to ask that we look the other way and give one particular athlete a pass.

shaquille o'neal.

before you bombard me with requests for proof and claims of libel, i'm not suggesting that The Diesel is doing anything untoward.

i'm asking that we make it okay for him to take them from this point forward.

this is a man who has created an endless array of nicknames for himself. he's danced with the jabbawockeez. he's put out some of the league's greatest bulletin board material. yet through it all, he remains one of the league's good guys. oh and by the way, he's also one of the most dominant players the game has ever seen.

which is why we need to do what we can to help keep him in the game. after magic johnson and larry bird retired, we were fortunate enough to have michael jordan take the game to a level of popularity that few people ever imagined. after his (final) retirement, the search for a successor began. who would be the man to help sustain the game?

kobe bryant, lebron james and dwyane wade certainly have the talent to carry that mantle. nate robinson and gilbert arenas have shown us they have the charisma. tim duncan has that humble everyman quality that people can relate to.

but no one combines all those qualities like The Big Shaqtus. his game and success speak for itself. he is literally larger than life, yet somehow manages to be a kid. a combination like that will be hard to replace. while dwight howard looks to be the next in line for the crown, he'll need to be a bit more successful on the court to claim the throne. even then, he may be too much of a nice guy. shaq has that right mixture of nice and nasty that makes him loveable, hateable and eminently watchable all the time.

so whaddya say? let's help The Big Fella out. think of it as an investment in america's entertainment future. this is one of those rare times when we recognize a good thing before it's gone. let's try to hold onto it a little bit longer.