presenting...The Scrappies!

as a self-proclaimed geek and cartoon junkie, i had the boomerang network on while making lunch a couple of days ago.

if you're ever wondering where a lot of the cool cartoons went....check out boomerang. it's awesome!

i noticed then that jabberjaw might be one of the most annoying characters ever created. you know jabberjaw...stupid, wisecracking shark that somehow played in a rock band and went around solving mysteries. it was one of a number of bad scooby-doo knockoffs that hanna-barbera foisted upon children of the '70s.

initally - mostly because of the combined feelings of hunger and irritation that were gripping me like a vise - i thought that jabberjaw was hands down the bane of the cartoon world. but after having a belly full of rice and vegetables, i was able to think a little more rationally. certainly jabberjaw wasn't the top of the heap (or bottom of the pile) when it came to animation that stirred animosity.

so i now present to you the first (and possibly last)...

Scrappy Doo Awards!

named for the yoko ono of saturday morning cartoons who occupies his own personal corner of cartoon hell. this troublesome little bundle of puppy power charged his way onto the show and eventually into a spinoff that saw him elbow fred, daphne and velma completely out of the picture.

he had a shrill voice, his own catchphrase and stupid fanfare. every fiber of scrappy's ink and paint being went against all that the laid-back scooby and the gang stood for. his exploits stand alone when it comes to cartoon malfeasance. and for that, he will forever be memorialized with the award that bears his name.

so without further ado...here are this year's winners.

jabberjaw - where to begin with the aforementioned mr. jaw? that he was a shark that could easily move around on land? that he was the drummer in a rock band that featured no other aquatic performers? that he stole rodney dangerfield's signature "no respect" catchphrase? if you could stand his shrill, poorly-done curly howard impression long enough to be offended by the other things...kudos to you!

rubik the amazing cube - you may remember that several episodes of this dreadful show featured menudo. the band, not the soup. most of us who grew up in the '80s had one of these instruments of frustration. eventually we gave up and peeled the stickers off to put them in the right spots. but these kids, whenever necessary - even in times of great peril - could solve the rubik puzzle in nanoseconds. and if that wasn't annoying enough, solving the cube produced a little blue gremlin head and legs that could float around and stop c-level bad guys. just one more reason the slinky rocked!

hammerman - if you were lucky enough to have missed this show, or just blocked it out of your memory, i'll let this guy explain. the theme song alone puts it on the list. look, i realize that secret identities are the basis for most superheroes. but at least put on a mask or something. am i supposed to be dazzled by your baggy pants? and while you're at it, maybe you should solve the mystery of your missing money. probably won't happen since it would involve kicking your own ass.

marmaduke - animating a bad comic strip isn't solving anything. you're just offending the illiterate. fortunately, someone has tried to deliver us from cartoon evil.

captain planet - even with everyone trying to go green, these united colors of benetton do-gooders made you want to dump several quarts of used motor oil into the nearest stream. then there was the cap'n himself. having arrived fresh from macgyver's barber, he dispatched the bad guys with smug one liners and a high and mighty sense of self-satisfaction.

we'd like to thank more of this year's winners (losers?) but i hear the music starting to play me off...which way is the exit backstage?